I’m offering my recent personal experiences with overlapping to present another side to it. Hope it helps with keeping things in perspective.
I’ve never overlapped until this year. It was not intentional, not something I was seeking but I think it actually did more good than harm. I was at the end of my rope in more ways than one with my then EUM/AC. I had tried breaking up before but he had a smooth way of saying enough to keep me in the “justifying, minimalising, denying” zone. Mind you, that before him I had not been w/ anyone for 4 years — 2 of which were by choice in terms of healing and the other 2 because I simply went on bad first dates w/out bothering going on a second. I think the reason I was so vulnerable and willing to put up with his crumbs was my loneliness.
I also had started to believe that ALL men behaved in varying degrees like this EUM/AC. So I’d add “normalizing” to the above three denials. Ironically, the EUM/AC pulled yet another stunt that made me question my future happiness with someone as inconsiderate as him. I went out with a friend later that night and we wound up meeting some of her friends for a late-night dinner.
One of their friends was a gorgeous, single, Frenchman! He was charming, attentive, considerate, fun and debonair. I hadn’t technically ended it with the EUM-troll yet, so I was very guarded but flattered all to pieces by his interest. I practically burst into tears when I said I’d like an espresso and he jumped from the table and brought it to me. My current EUM would never do anything remotely thoughtful like that.
Meeting this man right at that pivotal time was a godsend and gave me the opportunity to compare. I suddenly saw that a man could be polite, generous and even romantic by pulling the chair out for me, walking on the right side of the road and taking special care by putting a good foot forward. I hadn’t experienced that in so long I thought such niceties didn’t exist anymore.
I didn’t feel right about giving him my number but I didn’t feel entirely wrong either. I’m extremely loyal (to a fault) and I had just earlier that day been reconsidering my relationship when I had this example of something else presented to me.
I tried to end it with the EUM. I even told him about the Frenchman and how he treated me well. How it made me feel as a woman and a person. How his lack of care pissed me off because it made me vulnerable to do something with someone else. I felt set up by his lack of actions to be swept away when providence intervened. That made me mad!
EUM/AC was warned. He said enough for me to warily give him another chance. I should have booked. We continued on life support for another couple of weeks until he pulled another craptastic stunt in front of his son. In all that time the Frenchman pursued me but I did not return his interest. I stayed the course until I finally had enough!
I ended it with EUM/AC on the 4th of July. Happy Independence Day to me! A couple of days later the Frenchman contacted me (not knowing about the split) and asked me out yet again. I accepted.
I felt weird and awkward. I’ve never gone literally right from one to the other like that before but I have to say it was the best thing that happened to me. The Frenchman was like a breath of fresh air. He was lovely and dear.
We went on a few dates and they were so counter to everything I had experienced with the EUM/AC that I think it did wonders for my self-esteem. Ultimately, we just didn’t “connect.” Probably because I wasn’t truly ready but it came down to lifestyle choices — he was a party animal and I’m not and never will be. He also wanted arm candy. He wasn’t mean or selfish like the EUM. He just wasn’t the right fit. I was bummed but I felt validated and then Frenchie went to Australia for a trip…and I overlapped AGAIN!
Met a guy of all places in jury duty. We were in the same room, got to chatting and discovered we were neighbors, worked in the same industry and had crossed paths peripherally. By the end of the day we exchanged numbers. Frenchie was in the land down under and I was soon having coffee with a fellow juror. We dated until it became clear all he was willing to offer was a booty call…got to say he was great in the sack (yet another quality EUM lacked) and worth a few rounds but after a couple of months I lost interest. I wasn’t devastated just let down and adrift.
Frenchie came back but I never saw him again. I was rebounding in a way I hadn’t before and while it spun me around in some positive ways, I also was still dealing with the emotional aftermath of the EUM. I never promised anything or became exclusive with these men. I simply dated.
After these blokes I took some time off, found Natalie’s site and altered my perception and worked on healing without distraction. After reading this article, I have to say I’m guilty of “overlapping.” I did it. For me, it was a save. I think I would’ve been vulnerable to the EUM/AC right when I was so distracted by the Frenchman followed by the juror. By the time I was done w/ both of them, I knew I still had work to do (even more so) but I also had a yardstick of something else to go by too which helped enormously. I was disappointed by both men but for different reasons. That didn’t help totally either so it’s a bit of a draw. I had more stuff to work on.
I did not purposely seek to overlap. I was close to done w/ the EUM and I think the universe gave me a little nudge. It presented options I didn’t even think I had. I was acutely aware of rebounding so it wasn’t like I wanted to jump start into another relationship, but knowing that I could be treated far, far better restored my confidence. It was a blessing that dovetailed with finding Natalie.
I think there are those who can’t be alone and they set up backdoor people as options. That’s a serial overlapper. Then there are those who by turns of fate find themselves meeting someone at an opportune moment that gives them clarity. I seriously doubt the longevity of these relationships when they do happen, but I suppose anything is possible. I wasn’t in the head space of “replacing” my EUM by any means. I explored the opportunities presented to me and this only after I finally pulled the life support plug of the so-called “relationship.”
I don’t feel bad about what I did. It was not with any intent that I met 2 men straight away. They were oddly enough my “emotional air bags” although I did not abuse this and they were unaware of their role. They had fun, no harm, no foul. No one got hurt or led on.
Strangely enough, I had the opportunity to overlap after the juror with yet another guy. Because of Natalie’s wisdom however I was able to spot amber then code red flags of Future Faking and other undesirable traits before getting involved physically or emotionally. After I stopped returning his calls and went NC…I met yet ANOTHER guy while hiding behind a bush in the dark to sneak a smoke on museum grounds. Seriously, it was like the song “It’s Raining Men.” Again, thanks to Natalie, I dodged a potential bullet as he made it clear on our first date that any relationship with him would be “strictly on his terms.” I smiled, nodded and jogged. Went NC.
Now as some of you know, I’ve been depressed through all of this too because I feel like damn…the quantity is overflowing after not meeting anyone for years (and my lifestyle has not significantly changed) but the quality is lacking.
I made a list of the qualities I want, deal breakers, and made a conscious decision to go it alone for a while. I told myself if I meet someone with said qualities I’m looking for, I’ll slowly “discover” them but I probably won’t for a long time…and that’s okay. I ain’t looking…frankly, I’m a tied and spun out to even bother.
Natalie has cleared my head, shielded my heart and many ladies on here such as Grizelda make me feel supported and safe to express my thoughts. I won’t say I’m bustin’ w/ happiness but I’ve been improving each and everyday. Life’s been good.
Then my car got towed. I didn’t even know what to do as I’ve never had a car impounded before. There I am looking my worst with oily hair, a sweatshirt, a recently popped zit and no $$ (again, in the dark) sitting on the curb in shock.
A man who happens to be friends with one of my neighbors comes up to his truck and sees me there shaking like a leaf. I told him what happened and he immediately made phone calls, took control of the situation and offered to help me out. Just because. Both men went to DMV the next day, got my car out of impound, and even refused to let me buy them lunch! This friend of my neighbor’s put his money into fixing up my car (which I’m selling) and told me not to worry.
Granted, this is a crazy “white-knight” situation to which I’m being very cautious. Still, this man who I’ve been thrust with spending a couple of days with in dealing with my car has not shown one damn red flag yet. Not even a freakin’ amber. He’s kind, thoughtful, asks questions, takes charge when necessary but is not overly aggressive, laughs without restraint, has a solid career, is not pretentious and has taken me out to two dinners and drinks. He isn’t a grab-asser, he’s attracted to me but has respected my wishes not to rush into anything physical just yet (recent article Natalie wrote helped me enormously w/ this sex first — discover later issue). He’s attractive, no dependents, was married in his youth, divorced for several years and would do it again with the right woman. I’m looking for flags. I haven’t found any yet but it’s all new so I’m enjoying the discovery phase right now. I’m moving slowly and letting him unfold. Am I in shock？ Yes. Am I doubtful？ Yes. Am I willing to give a man who hasn’t given me a reason to jog a chance？ Yes.
And I have Natalie to thank because I think she’s responsible for fixing my compass and giving me the strength I need to be braver, wiser and recognize both the good that maybe is really out there and the bad which definitely is abundant.
I apologize for the length of this. If any of you ladies find yourself in a similar situation where a good guy pops up when you’re time-wasting with a bad one…I’m not recommending cheating but I have to say be open, honest and if there’s an overlap, take care of yourself and take a little leap.
Today, in America, it’s Thanksgiving. I just want to say many thanks to Natalie and all of you. If you took the time to read this, I thank you for that too. Have a wonderful Thursday in the UK and elsewhere. All my love and support!!